These last couple of weeks have had some pretty major ups and downs. I lost a friend, attended his memorial, and offered support and love to his family. While sitting there with my daughter listening to his family and friends share about his life, I couldn’t help from bawling.
It was horrible.
My daughter didn’t get it. My husband kind of got it.
I was bummed.
Every morning I would wake up and say to myself that this would be the day I would be okay. That I wouldn’t catch myself on the verge of tears at some random moment, be tired, overwhelmed, scared shitless…
I lost a friend last year along with a cousin. Both of their deaths caused so much pain and torment. And, during all this I’ve been watching as my daughter is growing and changing and evolving. And, my heart pounds and breaks and then pounds some more.
I have no idea what I would do if something ever happened to her.
But, that’s life. I can’t control what happens around me – just what I’m doing. I can make every day the best day. I can be nice to others, offer support and love when possible, and cherish every special moment around me. I can do my best. I can.
Today was the first day in a long time where I felt a little bit better. That those I’ve lost are still part of my life and can be forever. That I can live and love my loved ones without constantly fearing I might lose them.
Because, that’s life.